Tender Mercies

I have been debating what to write in this blog entry since Friday. It is so hard to express everything that we are feeling, but I know that one day I will look back on these entries to reflect this time of our lives. I SO wish that I could say that everything looked great at this appointment, that SOMEHOW our Baby W was going to come to us as a healthy, average little boy. Unfortunately, I once again was dreading this appointment. We have learned that when I am not looking forward to an appointment it is usually that maternal instinct and things don't end up quite how we had planned. (The first ever US I dreaded and we found out he was a little person, then the US that we found our his ribs were caving in, now this one. The few in between that haven't born much bad news I have felt fine going to. Sorry, needless re-cap.) This appointment was no different.

We heard quite a few things in this appointment that I didn't even know were in the spectrum of what we were dealing with. Dr. R. asked me right when he walked in the room if I was feeling Baby W move. The past 2 weeks I have had a decrease in movement from the 2 weeks prior. Thank heavens I hadn't realized that until he asked me, or I would have been freaking out more than I already am! I used to feel harder kicks and more rolling, lately it has been small bumps only after I eat. So, right away we knew something wasn't right, simply because of Baby W's movement.

We first listened to Baby W's heart rate, which was 168bpm, normal for him. Dr. R. showed us his rib area and told us that the ribs are continuing to grow inward, leaving no room for the lungs to develop. He has never said that the lungs cannot develop at all, so that scared us quite a bit. He explained that the ribs have grown in so much that the heart in beginning to have some troubles expanding as well. I was not aware that it could get so bad that not even the heart would be able to beat, so this was a surprise to me. I guess it makes sense, I just didn't realize it was an option.

Next, Dr. R. showed us his abdominal cavity. The AC is still growing and is of normal size, but it is beginning to get fluid in it. This fluid will begin to work it's way up towards the rib area, therefore squishing the heart and lungs further. In the appointments they tell us so much that we aren't always sure that everything we come away with we comprehended correctly, so it is hard. We think that the fluid is building up in the AC because the heart is beginning not to function properly, therefore not being able to pump all of the fluid around the body as well as it should be able to.

We again talked about a vaginal birth or a c-section, like we do every time. It seems that Baby W's head is too round already, because of the sutures closing, for me to have him vaginally; but you never really know. Dr. R. would like me to get bigger before a c-section because the more your muscles stretch the easier recovery is. But, we can only control so much, so when it is time, it is time. Hopefully that time is 36 weeks, just to give Baby W the best chance that we can. If he doesn't make it that long, we cross that bridge when we get there.

Well, that's that.

I think the reason that I put this blog off for a few days was because I felt like there was nothing positive to say. We have been down, let's be honest. This is hard. Really, really, hard. Sometimes I just ache for our Baby W. Today in church we were talking about the blessings of trials. Right now it is so hard to see the blessings that will come from this trial. Then someone commented about the tender mercies from the Lord that we receive constantly during our trials that we may not realize. I have been trying to pay attention to these little blessings because I know that they can help us so much. Today, for example, it was 9:30 and I hadn't felt Baby W move yet. Of course, I am now much more aware of his movements because I want to feel them SOO bad, just to know that he is still okay. I said a quick prayer and said to Baby W, "Please move Baby". Literally 4 seconds later I got a nudge from him. What a quick answer to prayer! It made me smile immediately and I thanked Heavenly Father right away for that small blessing. We feel so much comfort from the Spirit whenever we get down. I know I have said this before, but I can truly feel the blessings from all of the prayers that are offered on our behalf. 90% of the time when I begin to cry, within 10 seconds I am comforted and am able to see the eternal blessings of this trial. Please keep praying for us, I know that it is helping each and every day!

Another example is the comfort that we feel that we know that we can be with our Baby W for all eternity. That we can see him again and raise him. It makes things so much easier to think that way! It is amazing that ANYONE can be with their families forever simply by living the gospel righteously.

I am not going to lie, even if 82 doctors told me that Baby wasn't going to make it, I would still feel how I feel now...I have this little tiny bit of hope deep down inside that something will change. That he will be born and defeat the odds! I would be crazy not to hold out a little for the chance that we may still get to play with our little guy! And yet, I know, that Heavenly Father knows us, knows our circumstances, knows Baby W and what he needs. I know that whatever happens is exactly what was supposed to occur. The testimony, faith and trust that we both (and all of our family and friends) have in our Savior will pull us through this trial.