Baby W Pics

Well, we had another appointment with Dr. R...no new news. Everything looked the same. Baby W's fluid levels in his abdominal cavity hadn't increased (It has only been 6 days though). The appointment wasn't too eventful, except for the fact that we got to see Baby W in ACTION! He was sitting facing out this time, which he rarely does, so the ultrasound tech was able to let us watch him move around in 3-D. It was so funny because right before she changed it to 3-D Cody said, "I wonder if he EVER moves his arms from under his chin, it seems like he is always sitting with them like that." I, in response, said, "No, I don't know if he can move them, I think that is how they are" (rather snotty-like!). Literally 5 seconds later she changed it to 3-D and there was Baby W, waving his arms everywhere! Ha! Proved me wrong! Lately I think he has been putting his tiny hand up under my right ribs...something is there anyway...believe me, it is not comfy! Anyway, the pic at the top is when he was waving away at us...so cute!

Okay, you may not believe me, but he opened his eyes too! The picture above is right when he was opening, it is kind of hard to see. His right eye is open just a little bit...it was pretty crazy! I didn't know that they could do that. He was also moving his mouth all over, it is so neat to watch him in there. (The reason the outsides of the pictures and sometimes his face is blurry is because of the amniotic fluid).

Last, but not least, a not-so-fun, but very informative picture. This is a side view of Baby W. You can see that his upper chest, where his heart and lungs are, is small compared to his abdominal cavity. His entire torso should be one big oval, but his rib area is just so small. You can also see a little bit of the fluid around his abdominal cavity. It hasn't moved into his upper chest yet, so that is good. Hopefully that fluid stays just where it is! (Or just disappears...that would be nice, too!!!)

Tender Mercies

I have been debating what to write in this blog entry since Friday. It is so hard to express everything that we are feeling, but I know that one day I will look back on these entries to reflect this time of our lives. I SO wish that I could say that everything looked great at this appointment, that SOMEHOW our Baby W was going to come to us as a healthy, average little boy. Unfortunately, I once again was dreading this appointment. We have learned that when I am not looking forward to an appointment it is usually that maternal instinct and things don't end up quite how we had planned. (The first ever US I dreaded and we found out he was a little person, then the US that we found our his ribs were caving in, now this one. The few in between that haven't born much bad news I have felt fine going to. Sorry, needless re-cap.) This appointment was no different.

We heard quite a few things in this appointment that I didn't even know were in the spectrum of what we were dealing with. Dr. R. asked me right when he walked in the room if I was feeling Baby W move. The past 2 weeks I have had a decrease in movement from the 2 weeks prior. Thank heavens I hadn't realized that until he asked me, or I would have been freaking out more than I already am! I used to feel harder kicks and more rolling, lately it has been small bumps only after I eat. So, right away we knew something wasn't right, simply because of Baby W's movement.

We first listened to Baby W's heart rate, which was 168bpm, normal for him. Dr. R. showed us his rib area and told us that the ribs are continuing to grow inward, leaving no room for the lungs to develop. He has never said that the lungs cannot develop at all, so that scared us quite a bit. He explained that the ribs have grown in so much that the heart in beginning to have some troubles expanding as well. I was not aware that it could get so bad that not even the heart would be able to beat, so this was a surprise to me. I guess it makes sense, I just didn't realize it was an option.

Next, Dr. R. showed us his abdominal cavity. The AC is still growing and is of normal size, but it is beginning to get fluid in it. This fluid will begin to work it's way up towards the rib area, therefore squishing the heart and lungs further. In the appointments they tell us so much that we aren't always sure that everything we come away with we comprehended correctly, so it is hard. We think that the fluid is building up in the AC because the heart is beginning not to function properly, therefore not being able to pump all of the fluid around the body as well as it should be able to.

We again talked about a vaginal birth or a c-section, like we do every time. It seems that Baby W's head is too round already, because of the sutures closing, for me to have him vaginally; but you never really know. Dr. R. would like me to get bigger before a c-section because the more your muscles stretch the easier recovery is. But, we can only control so much, so when it is time, it is time. Hopefully that time is 36 weeks, just to give Baby W the best chance that we can. If he doesn't make it that long, we cross that bridge when we get there.

Well, that's that.

I think the reason that I put this blog off for a few days was because I felt like there was nothing positive to say. We have been down, let's be honest. This is hard. Really, really, hard. Sometimes I just ache for our Baby W. Today in church we were talking about the blessings of trials. Right now it is so hard to see the blessings that will come from this trial. Then someone commented about the tender mercies from the Lord that we receive constantly during our trials that we may not realize. I have been trying to pay attention to these little blessings because I know that they can help us so much. Today, for example, it was 9:30 and I hadn't felt Baby W move yet. Of course, I am now much more aware of his movements because I want to feel them SOO bad, just to know that he is still okay. I said a quick prayer and said to Baby W, "Please move Baby". Literally 4 seconds later I got a nudge from him. What a quick answer to prayer! It made me smile immediately and I thanked Heavenly Father right away for that small blessing. We feel so much comfort from the Spirit whenever we get down. I know I have said this before, but I can truly feel the blessings from all of the prayers that are offered on our behalf. 90% of the time when I begin to cry, within 10 seconds I am comforted and am able to see the eternal blessings of this trial. Please keep praying for us, I know that it is helping each and every day!

Another example is the comfort that we feel that we know that we can be with our Baby W for all eternity. That we can see him again and raise him. It makes things so much easier to think that way! It is amazing that ANYONE can be with their families forever simply by living the gospel righteously.

I am not going to lie, even if 82 doctors told me that Baby wasn't going to make it, I would still feel how I feel now...I have this little tiny bit of hope deep down inside that something will change. That he will be born and defeat the odds! I would be crazy not to hold out a little for the chance that we may still get to play with our little guy! And yet, I know, that Heavenly Father knows us, knows our circumstances, knows Baby W and what he needs. I know that whatever happens is exactly what was supposed to occur. The testimony, faith and trust that we both (and all of our family and friends) have in our Savior will pull us through this trial.

He Knoweth All Things

Another visit with Dr. R has came and went...we are 2 weeks closer to meeting Baby W! This visit was pretty uneventful, except for the fact that we got some A+ pictures of our little guy. I seriously freaked out when he showed us these 3-D pictures of his face.

I can't believe how much he has changed since the last time we saw him in 3-D, about 8 weeks ago. His face looks so much chubbier, and I love that I can really see the definition of all of his features. We got to see his arms and legs in 3-D, too, so that was fun. He had his arms bent up under his face like he was getting ready to fight...hopefully he will be a fighter when he is born...that is exactly what we will need from him. You can see his hands at the bottom of the first picture. They are all a little blurry because we had a bad angle, and we were looking through a thick layer of fluid. He is sitting breach right now with his legs bent and feet up under his bum, so we didn't get to see his lower legs. He was moving all over during the ultrasound, though, so that was fun. It is weird to see him moving and not feel it! I have been feeling little bumps from Baby W a lot more often, but every once in a while he will go like 1 1/2 days without me feeling anything. I can't wait for Cody to feel him...hopefully Baby W starts kicking harder so he can!

This picture is so funny, it totally looks like he is blowing a bubble!

Hmm...now for an update. There isn't too much to say today, which is actually a good thing! I felt a little relief when we left the appointment...When I told my sister that she said that is because the last 5 appointments have had tons of new, not-so-good news to report; no wonder this one was a relief!

Dr. R. couldn't see much of a change in the shape of Baby W's ribs since our checkup 2 weeks ago. This is good news, but at the same time, 2 weeks isn't much time for a change to be measured. We got to look at Baby W's heart quite a bit. In an average baby, the heart consists of 50% of the chest cavity. Baby W's heart consists of about 90% of his chest. This is not because his heart is so big, but because of the 'bowing in' of the ribs. The lungs are on each side of the heart, and that leaves only about 10% of his chest for the lungs to develop in. It was pretty crazy to see how little the space was for them. The heart just seems so big! (He must be a lover!) It was neat to watch his heart beat so quickly as we were looking at him, about 168 BPM, whew! Dr. R. said that Baby W pretty much looks like me right now, 7 months pregnant! You can see in the ultrasounds, his belly is really large compared to his chest cavity. (His belly is growing at the correct rate, as well as his head, but everything else is small.) I thought that was a good comparison, though.

Dr. R. can't see any cloverleaf or frontal bossing of his forehead, which is an additional sign sometimes shown in TD babies. This could still develop, as he is changing and growing every day.

(I am sure some of this gets so boring, but it is good for me to document everything for my memory!) We talked more about a delivery date, which is now around May 23, which is at 36 weeks. They DO NOT WANT me to go into labor on my own. We want to have my labor as planned as possible, because we want every specialty doctor there who needs to be there to ensure that Baby W gets the correct care as soon as possible after delivery. It does make me sad to think that when I have our baby, others will most likely spend his first few minutes/hours with him other than us. I so want to hold him and help him, but I know that the doctors that will be present will be able to help him much better that Cody or I. They may take an amnio test to make sure that Baby W's lungs are as developed as they need to be to be born at 36 weeks. If they are not quite developed enough, I will get steroids and then 48 hours later we will deliver, just to give his lungs a little extra time. It still sounds like a c-section will be best for Baby W, but we are not 100%, it all depends on the size of Baby W's head. Honestly, I don't care how he is delivered, I just want to do what is least stressful for him.

We read a fact today that the chances of this happening is 1 in 50,000. FIFTY THOUSAND! Seriously, this is so unlikely. I was talking to a friend this week who said she was in a class the other day and the teacher asked her, "If you could ask God one thing, what would it be?" She lost her 30 year old brother to cancer a year and a half ago, and she said that she would probably ask God "Why did you take my brother at such a young age?". I told her, obviously, that I would ask "Why us, out of all of the families here, why Baby W?" We continued on to speak of God's amazing knowledge of each of us and our situations. In the Book of Mormon, there is a scripture that states, "But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things". As I have thought about this scripture and our previous questions, I realized that we don't need to ask Him these questions, but just have faith in the fact that He "Knoweth all things". I have so many questions, so many worries about what is going to happen in these next couple months of our lives. Will Baby W continue to grow and make it to 36 weeks? Will Baby W pass away prior to his birth? How long will Baby W live after his birth? Could we witness a miracle and have this all just be a memory? Can the doctors be wrong? Will his ribs continue to bow in? Is Baby W going to live for minutes? Hours? Years?

The questions will continue to come, and the only way I know to make it through this trial is to turn to God and to those who love us here on this earth. To continue to pray, to have faith, and to remember that He Knoweth All Things. He knows all of our struggles and our heartaches, as well as our joys.

Thank you to all of you who are continually keeping our little family in your prayers, we can feel it daily. I honestly am saddened at times, but only for a few seconds, and then I am completely taken over and comforted. I know that this is because of the prayers of comfort that each of you are asking for us. I am so grateful for the comfort that I receive daily, it makes this struggle SO MUCH easier to go through. We love all of you so much and can feel your love for us as well. Keep those prayers coming, they are helping so much!